Archive for August, 2007

World’s Cutest White Baby

Friday, August 31st, 2007

Sweet Jaysus!

Friday, August 31st, 2007
Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek on June 8.

She hasn’t yet given birth, so must have been around six months along when this photo was taken.

Holy Mother!


Thursday, August 30th, 2007

Bean Counter Week 18 001 (more…)

Cross-Dressing Monster

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

Spotted strolling down Drammensveien:¬† a cross-dressing Monster, wearing a distinctly masculine shirt.¬† Apparently the lawyer, 32, has taken to donning her husband’s clothing in lieu of more traditionally feminine apparel.

Although¬†Monster’s representatives claim that these fashion choices are dictated by an inability to squeeze into her pre-pregnancy wardrobe, evidence suggests that cross-dressing is more than merely a passing fancy for the future¬†mother.¬†¬†Eyewitnesses swear that¬†Monster has been¬†wearing men’s clothing¬†for more than three decades. ¬† She used to sleep¬†wearing t-shirts belonging to her father, says a source who knew the Monster in early childhood.¬† Ducky, too, was a victim of Monster’s odd predilection for male attire.¬† In her grunge college days, Monster used to steal her brother’s¬†jeans (black and chocolate brown Levi’s 501s)¬†and dress shirts, accessorize them with unwashed hair and hole-y boots, and wear them to school.

Troglodyte is thus merely the latest victim in the cycle of male victims of the transvestite thief.¬† To all men in¬†Monster’s vicinity:¬† make sure to keep your shirts on.¬†

Monster Becomes Sciontologist

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

Monster has joined the Church of Sciontology, says a source close to the non-celebrity. 

What began as a mild interest in her future spawn’s progress has turned into full-blown idolatry, with Monster spotted shopping for all of the cult’s paraphernalia, including¬†thousand-dollar baby carriages, designer diaper bags and semi-useless onesies with ultra-cutesy sayings.¬†

Sciontology is an ancient religion, the central tennet of¬†which is the worship of one’s descendants.¬† In the Western world, the teachings of Mother Hubbard factor heavily in this church’s ceremonies.

According to the source, Monster is actively pushing for her¬†husband’s similar conversion.¬† Trog, for his part, seems¬†readily inclined to believe, and was recently spotted comparison shopping for disposable diapers, a full six months before anyone is likely to need them.

Trog Requests Press to Stand Behind Him

Friday, August 17th, 2007

Trog in the News 002

Trog in the News 001

Oslo, Norway. Trog is unhappy with his portrayal in today’s center-spread write-ups in the financial papers, says a source close to the Bean planter.

“He definitely thinks that the press is showing him in a bad light by deliberately using unflattering photographs,” the source reported. “They’re taking him from his worst angle. Trog would prefer it if all photographs were taken from behind, to show off his best feature.”

In an exclusive Shiloh Nouvela interview, Monster concurred.

“The view of Trog’s behind is absolutely breathtaking,” the lawyer claimed. “Broad shoulders, willowy limbs — all the physical gifts that rely on winning the genetic lottery — these are all meaningless. If you have to work at it, like Trog does, it’s much more sublime.”

“Trog’s butt is definitely a thing of beauty, and more photographs should capture that.”

When pushed for comment, Trog turned his back and walked away. “Get thee behind me,” he said.


Friday, August 17th, 2007

Bean Counter 018 (more…)

Pouty Brit

Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

Britney Spears Jayden James

Monster a Has-Bean

Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

The latest buzz: Monster’s nothing but a has-Bean. At least that was the word around the Sofa this evening, where Trog — looking a trifle peaky — sat nursing a drink.

“She used to be a wanna-Bean,” Trog said of his wife of fifteen months. “That’s all changed in the past few months. Now that it’s Bean there, she’s done that. She’s nothing but a has-Bean.”

Reached for comment, a Monster rep defended her client. “To Bean or not to Bean is not the question. It’s Bean forever! If Trog doesn’t watch out, he’ll never be a mother f*cker.”

Trog’s Wild Ways Drive Monster to Drink?

Sunday, August 12th, 2007

At a recent wedding reception in Swisttal, Germany, a black-clad Monster looked pensive and withdrawn as she drank from a glass of supiciously amber-colored liquid. Meanwhile, husband Trog was living it up on the dance floor, gyrating to “Like a Prayer” with two lovely ladies — a statuesque blonde from Switzerland and a petite London-based Vietnamese. Sources close to the couple report that Trog downed glass after glass of expensive champagne.

Later that weekend, Trog was clocked on the Autobahn driving at speeds in excess of 160 kph, notwithstanding a clear speed limit of no more than 120. Worse, Trog was apparently chatting on his mobile phone, in blatant violation of German law. If caught, Trog could be fined up to EUR 200, more than the average Filipino’s monthly income.

Was Monster drowning her sorrows in a glass of German beer? A spokesperson for the lawyer claims that Monster drank only non-alcoholic beverages, but would neither confirm nor deny rumors that she consumed two servings of the rum-laced cream dessert. If true, this means that Monster would not only be ingesting alcohol; she would also be eating far in excess of her 2100-calorie recommended daily intake.