Archive for the 'Bean Counter' Category

Labor Chronicles

Monday, January 28th, 2008

1:07 a.m. Water breaks. Not a single labor pang, though.

In the News…

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

Microsoft Bids for Norwegian Search Software

In other news, Bean at 36W 5D is fat, healthy, and still oriented properly.  Keep your head down, little boy.

Teaser

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Beanjamin or Sabean?

Last chance to vote!

Results revealed tomorrow!

Eighteen

Thursday, August 30th, 2007

Bean Counter Week 18 001 (more…)

Monster Becomes Sciontologist

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

Monster has joined the Church of Sciontology, says a source close to the non-celebrity. 

What began as a mild interest in her future spawn’s progress has turned into full-blown idolatry, with Monster spotted shopping for all of the cult’s paraphernalia, including¬†thousand-dollar baby carriages, designer diaper bags and semi-useless onesies with ultra-cutesy sayings.¬†

Sciontology is an ancient religion, the central tennet of¬†which is the worship of one’s descendants.¬† In the Western world, the teachings of Mother Hubbard factor heavily in this church’s ceremonies.

According to the source, Monster is actively pushing for her¬†husband’s similar conversion.¬† Trog, for his part, seems¬†readily inclined to believe, and was recently spotted comparison shopping for disposable diapers, a full six months before anyone is likely to need them.

Sixteen

Friday, August 17th, 2007

Bean Counter 018 (more…)

Trog’s Wild Ways Drive Monster to Drink?

Sunday, August 12th, 2007

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At a recent wedding reception in Swisttal, Germany, a black-clad Monster looked pensive and withdrawn as she drank from a glass of supiciously amber-colored liquid. Meanwhile, husband Trog was living it up on the dance floor, gyrating to “Like a Prayer” with two lovely ladies — a statuesque blonde from Switzerland and a petite London-based Vietnamese. Sources close to the couple report that Trog downed glass after glass of expensive champagne.

Later that weekend, Trog was clocked on the Autobahn driving at speeds in excess of 160 kph, notwithstanding a clear speed limit of no more than 120. Worse, Trog was apparently chatting on his mobile phone, in blatant violation of German law. If caught, Trog could be fined up to EUR 200, more than the average Filipino’s monthly income.

Was Monster drowning her sorrows in a glass of German beer? A spokesperson for the lawyer claims that Monster drank only non-alcoholic beverages, but would neither confirm nor deny rumors that she consumed two servings of the rum-laced cream dessert. If true, this means that Monster would not only be ingesting alcohol; she would also be eating far in excess of her 2100-calorie recommended daily intake.

Monster Hides Her Bump

Sunday, August 12th, 2007

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Despite best efforts to hide her bump with an apple-green silk scarf from Vietnam, Monster appeared visibly pregnant as she was spotted strolling down the steps behind the cathedral in Cologne, Germany. Shockingly, the fifteen-weeks pregnant lawyer, 32, was sipping what appeared to be a Diet Coke — failing to heed expert warnings about the possible effects of caffeine on her unborn child.¬† Perhaps the caffeine accounts for that agitated expression.

The bump’s father is Monster’s husband Trog, 37, not a lawyer. This is Monster and Trog’s first natural child. They are also parents to Lucas, 2, adopted from the Cabbage Patch.

Fifteen

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

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Yes, We Know, But We Know You’ll Forgive Us.

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

Gentle Readers:

As we progressed from Honeymooners to Old Smug Marrieds, we tracked our own milestones with analogous milestones in Shiloh’s young life. We obsessed over Shiloh’s growth from Blob to Babe and rejoiced with her parentals over each of her triumphs.

Sadly, Shiloh’s first birthday marked, for us, the end of an era. While we continued to revel in her well-being, we noticed a slight diminution in our Shiloh Obsession. No longer did we care so desperately or passionately about her every phase; no longer did we plot her arch-rival’s downfall. We looked at her photograph and continued to find her adorable, but the love was gone.

Fortunately for our readership, we have a new Celebrity Bump to monitor.

Not Nicole’s, you dolts.

Introducing: Bean the Wonder Bump, gifted with the amazing power to cause uncontrollable flatulence in its current vessel (shown here at exactly 32 years, 16 hours and 18 minutes):
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Welcome Bean at Fourteen!

Watch this space for developments.

Love,

Us

P.S. See, we told you you’d forgive us.